You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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