He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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