Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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