I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
