I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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