theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
