i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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