You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
