I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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