I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
