Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
