dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
