Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize