the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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