i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
