3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
