So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
