Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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