dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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