Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you inspire me to be a worse person
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
