at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
