I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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