Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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