what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
