I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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