I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
