hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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