the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
