I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
