if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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