If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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