I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize