Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You were trust falling into bushes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
