Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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