8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
