Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
