She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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