I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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