I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize