I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My pussy is not your playground.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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