My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
