remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
