the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize