Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
