It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize