Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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