I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
