my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize