while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
