if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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