im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
