I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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