I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
