i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
