A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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