If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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