I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
